maa

This one is for you mummy....

Its you birthday today and just like everyday I am missing you a lot. Its been 13 years still I am not able to accept the fact that you are not with me.
I don't know why it happened with me, I was just 21.... I needed you are your love everyday but I feel you left me at a very delicate age as I was big enough to understand the loss but not mature enough to understand the world and people....

For a girl entering in 20's means spinning new dreams,hope, creating career, transferring from teenage to a mature girl, that is "the period" when you look for a friend in your mother. I lost my best friend maa when i lost you.... i was all alone and i had no clue whats wrong whats right...and so I just did what starting coming in my way.

I needed you a lot when I finished my engineering and at convocation all parents came for the ceremony, no one was there to hug me and say we are so proud of you...all parents were full of ideas and dreams for their daughters for the future I was completely lost thinking from "here to where".

I needed you when I reached home from hostel and no one was there waiting for my arrival, nothing was there in the kitchen hiding as a surprise like it used to be... maa i didn't know what to say with whom to share, i used to feel scared in sharing my inner thoughts with anyone thinking people should not take advantage of my situation or feel pity and do stuff for me, so stifled my tears.

I needed you to take a decision whether i should go for MBA or take up some job, when I got lot confused I asked myself "mummy hoti tou kya kaheti" I replied myself " MBA karo , higher studies is never a waste". I made this a practice, playing both roles, asking a question myself and replying to myself thinking what would be your reply in this situation.

I needed you ,your smile and your feeling of proud when at campus placement i bagged satyam's job. Remember maa you used to say God has not given you a son because he gave you me who is not at all less than a son in any possible way... I wanted to hear that again from you on that very day.

I needed you, to tell you that I want to marry a boy of my choice, and wanted you to talk to dad and convince him, I did all that by myself and it was not as simple as writing it here in one line.

I needed you when all my marriage preparations were going on, I remember how beautifully and lovingly you collected all stuff for the marriage of both Di's. Maa I needed somewhere to pamper me,hug me love me and spoil me just when 4 days were left for the marriage, i wanted someone to say "bus ab yeh bhi chali jaayegi"....

I needed you when during the ceremonies every time mother was required to performed all rituals. To tell you the truth I don't know what all was going on as i said I was just accepting what all was coming in my way as you were not there to tell what's right what's wrong what's good what's bad.

I needed you to tell me how to behave at in law's place after marriage,what all to expect, what mistakes to avoid, how to face the challenges, how to keep patience and how to stay calm but you were not there....

I needed you when Avik was born, those 8 hours of labor followed by C-sec just wanted to hold your hand and just wanted to hear from you, "its ok sabkay saath hota hai you are a brave girl". I wanted that post delivery pampering, love that every girl gets from her mom, that one sentence "you go and sleep for sometime I will watch Avik."Almost same sequence with Aarini also....

I missed you each day, whether I am happy I miss you to celebrate my happiness,when sad need you to console me,When troubled need you to help me in figuring out the solution, When a failure need you to hug me and tell me its ok may be next time, When depressed need you to boost me up.You are there in my thoughts all the time.

Many times I see you in my dreams where I see this reality of not having me in my life is mere a dream, the moment I open my eyes I know the truth... Many times I sit in my room alone cry and just feel you are sitting right here and I am telling you everything. No one ever in life can fulfill the vacuum that is created in my life.I when lost you I not only lost my mother, I lost Mom's home, I lost my best friend, I lost my well wisher, I lost my support system, I lost my hopes, I lost my comfort zone, I lost my belief system, in all I lost myself....

 Now as Avik and Aarini are growing up I just pray that if I can at least do half of love care sacrifice,support for what you did for me, I will feel I did best for my kids.

Love you Always and Miss You Always!!!!!

TOP OR FLOP ???

Is it ok to assume that a person excelling professionally can handle the day to day home crisis easily or visa versa?
Confused? Read the question again....

A person doing good at professional front, able to maintain healthy professional relationships,having a good rapport with peers and seniors may goof up personally. It works equally well the other way i.e a person with healthy relations at home may not be able to handle the professionalism at workplace.

The more interesting fact here is that the qualities which are your highlights at workplace are the once taken negatively at home. Your attributes which are praised at home are not acceptable at workplace. In fact many times you will feel the Approach/strategies/process/procedures, you are using at workplace in devising a solution of your problems fails miserably in home crisis situations at the same time the way you handle day to day home crisis holds no significance in solving work related problems.

What does all this means? Are we two different persons one at workplace and one at home? Do we play split personalities? Why this difference when we are dealing with humans at both places? One place you are star and other place you are a waste. You hold numerous colleague and friends and just a handful of relationships or a complete loner at workplace but most desirable in family. Your work is much appreciated and organized at office but at home you are seen as a clumsy person. This leads to irritation,suffocation and confusion.

In order to understand this I tried relating to  Johari Window , it addresses the problem to an extend but still its not a complete answer.

Pondering upon and still trying to figure out the answer...

- Anshul